“I feel like I am two different people. Both are tugging & tugging at me. One says no & the other says go. I feel like there is no ‘me’. The manic obsessed optimist.. the severely depressed pessimist. I fall somewhere in-between but remain to be seen. I don’t know who I am. I can’t remember who I’ve been. I don’t know who I want to be, & I don’t know if I am even able to make that choice, given that I am stuck between polar opposites. I feel so out of touch, unable to control my mind, my thoughts, my actions. I just want to be released. No more racing thoughts, obsessive tendencies, overwhelming anxiety. Feeling empty headed, experiencing extreme highs to extreme lows, suddenly & without warning. What happened to those easy, happy days? They seem so far away..”
as soon as you feel those negative thoughts settling in, tell them no. push them out. don’t think of the bad that has been or is. think of the good that has been, is, what will be. don’t worry what may or may not happen, live, do & let the chips fall where they may. negative thoughts will consume you & it is even harder to escape them when that happens. stop them in their tracks. they will become less & less. overcome them by taking steps: speak to people. make friends. seek help. have faith. have ambitions. don’t just say- do! read. believe. things in life never stay the same, things change, things can change for the good or the bad, but worrying about them won’t change the outcome. negative thoughts can be beaten & you can go on living a happy, positive life.
“to me, it doesn’t matter where you live, the possessions you have or how much money you have. those things won’t bring you true happiness. true happiness comes from within, from love, safety, fulfillment, hard work & belonging. without any of those, whatever you tell yourself makes you happy, is artificial.”
So I’m in the process of being re-diagnosed for my mental illness. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety when I was 15 (nearly 8 years ago) but nothing has seemed to help much. No antidepressants, talking therapies or other types of therapies.
I’m thinking that I have a form of bipolar just from what I’ve read and matching symptoms up, and I know myself better than anyone so I am good at knowing when something is wrong.
Apparently 1/3 people who are diagnosed with major depression may actually have bipolar, I feel like this is the case for me. “Bipolar disorder can be difficult to diagnose, even by experienced psychiatrists”
“Recent studies suggest as many as 40% of patients receive another diagnosis first and that it can take years before they’re correctly diagnosed, Swanson says. Many are diagnosed with major depression, resulting in inappropriate use of anti-depressants”
Which would explain to me why no anti-depressants have helped me/made me worse, which is proven already as below in this quote.
“Not only do anti-depressants fail to help, but patients can get worse, their mood can become more unstable, and some even get more manic”
Over the past 7ish years my symptoms have gotten worse/more out of hand, and my episodes (feeling suicidal/suicide attempts or being hypomanic) have went from being one or two a year to one every month.
I am depressed every single day now, whereas before I was able to live a normal life most of the time before (working 5 days a week, going to college, going out with friends, going to the shop, getting out of bed, looking after myself) now I don’t work, I’m not in education, I don’t go out with friends, I find it hard going out because I feel anxious, I don’t have the drive to get out of bed or care about my appearance.
I know all of these symptoms point to depression but that’s not all that’s happening. My hypomanic episodes and extreme bouts of depression that occur are pointing to something else, and for me they mostly sound like a form of bipolar.
The depressed episodes (that I get every month) are:
o Feeling overwhelmed
o Thinking suicide is the only way
o Over-analysing, over-generalising
o Being negative and pessimistic
o Being tired all the time/sleeping more
The hypomanic episodes I am talking about are me:
o Talking really quickly
o Changing subjects suddenly
o Being really hyper and excited
o Racing thoughts
o Being irritable
o Planning the future with unreachable goals/expectations
o Spending money I don’t have
Can anybody shed some light on this before I go to the doctors and am referred to a psychiatrist? If anybody is or has been in a similar position I’d really like to hear your story/your thoughts on this. I’d quite like a pal I can discuss things like this with, and can also be someone to listen as well.
why do i want so much? maybe that’s why i’m constantly disappointed, it doesn’t even make sense, i wasn’t spoiled as a child, if anything i went without a lot. seeing abuse, being abused, being homeless and abandoned, growing up with one parent who found it so hard and turned to addiction. why can’t i move on from this? i feel like it doesn’t consciously bother me, but it must be something unconscionably affecting my thinking pattern and my behaviour. boy, psychoanalysts would love me! it’s like, i want ‘this’ thing but i also want ‘this’ other thing - and it contradicts what i originally said i wanted. what is that?
for the past 4 years i have made the wrong choices in relationships, after the first 2 years of those 4 years, i thought i was making a change for the better - getting away from the abuse and controlling but it turns out i was not and i was just repeating the same old mistakes, picking the wrong one and being naive enough to believe their intentions were good, that they weren’t going to cheat on me and that they weren’t going to abuse me. am i just an old dog who can’t be taught new tricks? 4 years, 2 different relationships, i just want a boyfriend who will love me for me and who will be romantic, spontaneous, caring.. i don’t want any more of the ‘bad boys’ who are selfish, abusive, controlling and non-committed, but at the same time i want to make my life better, by myself, do what i want to do without any questions or arguments. but i don’t want to be alone. i don’t want flings here and there, i don’t want to be single; i’ve been single and it sucks. maybe i’m looking at it in the wrong way though.. maybe it’s not all about having a boyfriend but loving me for me, instead of depending on someone else to do that for me? my councellor told me i have dependency issues, apparently because of what my mother did, i need to be needed by anyone, whether it be friends or a boyfriend, i find it hard to function on my own and need someone to depend on. which makes sense, i have always lived with my dad, then my best friend, then my first boyfriend and now my second. however since my current relationship has broken down, i need to move out in a few weeks and to say the least, i am absolutely terrified. i know it sounds pathetic.. i just can’t help feeling this way. i am 22 years old, i should be able to look after myself!
since i left high school i have done nothing but mess up, i messed up my education, i messed up my friendships and relationships but most importantly of all, i messed up me. i don’t know who i am or what i’m doing. i’ve been in and out of therapy since 15 and to be honest, i don’t even think i’ve come that far since then. why is nothing working for me? psychiatrists, gps, councellors and therapy have not worked for me. is it me? am i broken beyond repair? are my imbalances too far gone? am i taking the wrong approach? maybe i can’t be fixed with talking therapies and medication, maybe i need a whole overhaul. maybe i need hospitalisation. i need observed by a professional, i need analysed, scrutinised, diagnosed. i need to relearn everything i know because my way of thinking, living, acting, being is completely backwards. no wonder people don’t like me, avoid me, talk about me, get fed up of me in relationships.. i am just too much! i said to myself that being committed to a mental ward is my last resort. if they can’t help me, then who can? i certainly can’t help myself! maybe this is why i’ve put it off for so long.. it’s easier to sit in misery and able to “live” than to put myself forward for something that could change my life for the worse if it doesn’t work out, then i would be fucked, i wouldn’t be able to deal with that reality. god knows what i would do.
i hate these stupid manic phases i go through every month or so when i’m not depressed, and that last for a few hours to a few days. i believe everything is going to be fine and that i’m going to get back on track. i make plans. i think to the future. i think that i’m invincible, that i haven’t been plagued every day by this disease for years. then comes the overwhelming suicidal thoughts, i just feel in so much despair. then when the manic-ism stops, it’s soul destroying. i let people down. plans get cancelled. i’d rather be depressed, it’s predictable; it’s the same miserable shit, day-in-day-out, but no, this way i get my hopes up because i think “hey, maybe eventually this is it- this time i’m breaking free” but every time it’s back to square one. back to me lying in bed for days without moving, avoiding people, being too afraid to go out, panic attacks, guilt, loneliness, not eating, slowly decaying. i hate this illness. it just completely destroys everything in its path. it’s like a domino effect. and at the moment, i see no cure for it. i’m destined to feel this way, to act this way, all the while pushing people further away and further becoming more and more alone. i would give organs to be cured of this. i would take any psychical illness. this is just unbearable, and the sad thing is, it’s becoming all too familiar.